The Convulsions Of A World In A State of Eternal Change

Dare to be what truly defines you when you are not someone else.

The world I was experiencing, thanks to Camil, seemed suspicious, strident, immoral. The women in the midst of which he lived at times wore honorable labels, and yet they were for sale. And there were buyers. At what price? That was the only question and what made them different. Prices varied not according to the woman’s beauty, but according to their possibilities to resist the needs of life. I did not understand his scruples, this writer so seductive through the spell of his artistic use of words, through the spell of his own being that caused an abrupt rhythm in my daily life.

Camil was not surprised by the passion I put in everything I was saying, the big words and the conviction that I was always right. I wanted to impress him, but I had to recognize all the indifference he showed to his inferiors, to me who wanted to be like him, in the depths of my heart, for I almost idolized and copied much of his thoughts. I wanted to be like him, like a god who speaks words of silver, which no one can fight against by any use of reason borrowed from experience.

My life became more and more exciting. Hard to believe, but I was getting deeper into a reality that rises above any shortcomings, above any concepts of good and evil, above any examinations of consciousness, thereby demonstrating that the sum of my values was fraught with the poor powder of extreme vanity, hypocrisy and vain instincts, benefiting from that privilege discretion as sweet as a luminous and seductive scent with a persistent odor that lasts. *

Are you prepared to assimilate the idea of ​​“a painful weakness” with the uppermost floor of an image that triggers the feeling of an invincible power?

It is exactly Camil’s case. Convinced that he carries within him the energy of an atom, and that once this energy is released, the world will turn 180 degrees, he was too lucid to take on obligations that he could not cope with and leave me stranded. Too selfish to give up on me, too jealous to leave the path free for someone else.

Yes, I also wanted a life seen from above with the most intense concerns, but I was rather living it from the depths, from the deepest abyss. Something forcing me to go further, but without knowing where. Certainly, I was overcome by the same sense of discomfort and anxiety that Tolstoy described in his Journal. “I almost physically felt the mad immorality of the luxury of the powerful and the rich, the poverty and the oppression of the poor. I suffer almost because of the consciousness of participating in this madness and this evil.”

And I think the same thing that Jean Garnier was saying about his former student and friend fits me just as good: “Albert Camus was not mistaken on the values of his own powers; he was by way of a very rare exception the exact judge of his value. Instead, he had to make himself be recognized by others. And his starting position was so humble that he had to affirm himself with the risk of being crushed.”

Is the only way to keep a position of authority that of gaining control over what it means to be a messenger of an inexorable destiny without God?

Keeping your authority in the face of life’s trials is a way to maintain yourself or find your place in an extremely tough world. It means to deal with a life that shows its back to you, resembling a form of attachment to the effect of a psychological operation to keep your calm in any situation, with patience of steel. And if you feel abandoned by God when your destiny tests you and you do not know what to do, you can leave the misleading impression that you have a vision that goes beyond life, like driving a car in a clear direction, but you do not know where to park it.

Camil, Cella Serghi’s character, is not only guilty of the inability to detach himself from his attachment to the pleasures of life. Not only did the unique writer’s talent blur all horizons, but his true unhappiness lies in the splendor of which no one found a cure in the midst of all events that assaulted him tumultuously. He knows perfectly how to conceal his spiritual pain, he can convince everyone that the meaning of life is the power to be fulfilled by unmeasured desires, but fails to annihilate his pride to act as a high-ranking man, a personality far above his tag.

In turn, Cella Serghi turns her personality into a statement of uniqueness on the basis of the link between being above everyone and the psychosocial impact of the pain of not being understood by anyone. In fact, its uniqueness resembles the image of God that permits unjust things and deeds, forgiving any sin that would favor a person to the detriment of another, which is revealed in the harmony of everything that exists. But this God expects more from her than she can endure. HE expects her to give up that Alter Ego that almost replaces her entire being standing at the edge of the universe.

Are you aware of the true measure of your soul before taking the fulfillment of others as a model, by reference to the trajectory of a destiny that prematurely outlines its finality?

Being a messenger of an inexorable destiny without God means to think of yourself as a winner in a race with the world, but in which you cannot test your limits because you are under the challenge of facing your own fears and regrets. This would be equivalent to your reporting to the trajectory of a destiny that prematurely outlines its purpose, that is, you are no longer able to justify the essence of your own manifestation, but you are the prisoner of anxieties and doubts that grind you to exhaustion, to erosion, to indifference, to disgust.

Never be more than you can handle at an elite level, otherwise you risk getting lost in the whirlwind of worldly vanity, and in this vortex remains no room for any high feeling. This finding comes from the intention of keeping the word “humanism” untouched by the effects of the peak experiences and the conditioning imposed on you by the example of others’ fulfillment.

The thinking of the leader is the thinking of the being that allocates time to balance itself in its personal life, always ready to maintain itself in the authenticity of a confession, ambitious to better discourse what can make entry into a reality that stumbles in its own limits, or in one that grasps increasingly bolder wings concerning the will of the Lord.

To be educated in the spirit of greater responsibility to the voice of consciousness is to answer the challenge of thinking who you really are when you feel that you are someone else.

The Convulsions Of A World In A State Of Eternal Change affirm the importance of a feeling motivated by the ephemeralness of a life that brings you both up and down, “goading you”, with the conviction that you can be God, but at the same time you can be one of His judgements that culminates with the birth of the tragedy of life.

* Note: Serghi, Cella - On The Spider's Thread of Memory, Polirom Publishing House, 2013.