What Does It Mean To Be Congruent?

Learn to communicate beyond the words you speak, in order to better interact with others and better discern the quality of their message.

This morning I read the book “Bien se connaitre pour bien piloter sa vie”, written by Erica Guilane-Nachez. I don’t think I need to say more than what was said in this book, because leadership follows the trajectory of the same thinking, beyond purely individual and social conditioning. Read this passage carefully, and recognize your true self (inner voice).
Learn to always be congruent. Congruence is the term that, in NLP and TNPro, denotes the compatibility of meanings between verbal and non-verbal, the deep agreement between what is said and what emanates from a person through the non-verbal. Being congruent means being genuine, it means really thinking and believing what you say. Consciously or not, the interlocutor perceives this agreement and is then convinced of the sincerity of what is said to him.

You are congruent when you jump for joy because you have been promoted and you shout: “Hooray, I’m happy, happy, happy.”

When you verbally warmly congratulate your rival for getting the promotion you’ve been eyeing for a long time, but inside you’re fuming with rage, that feeling comes across more or less non-verbally—unless you’re a big actor. There is such a thing, there are people who have learned to communicate. Now you are not congruent. Caution: Seeking congruence is not wanting to manipulate. And this time, there is a good and a bad use of this tool. It is polite not to want to spoil someone’s joy of victory by showing spite, it is natural to experience such a feeling when we lose. In this case, congruence is at the service of our politeness.

Leadership: Are you able to direct the Unconscious of the person next to you in the direction of your objective, in the direction of what you aim for through communication?

So try to observe yourself in the coming period. Be aware of what you are communicating beyond the words you speak. Then correct what needs to be corrected, training yourself to manifest a more congruent expressiveness. Learn to make gestures that support your speech. Feel free to use your hands, body, positions, eyes. Think about occupying the space that belongs to you: do not keep your arms close to your body. Nod your head. Use all that nature has given to be expressive in congruence.

Thus, you will already have enormous assets to make yourself understood and believed – because it will be felt or perceived that you are genuine.

But, you will tell me, what if I have to lie? “Not every truth is worth telling”, says popular wisdom. And in doing so, you must be congruent, otherwise your innocent lie will not stand or won’t stand for long. Imagine a seriously ill friend in the hospital. He moans: “I can’t escape anymore”. If you tell him: “Yeah ! You’re going to get away”, and jokingly add: “Bad weed doesn’t die”, thinking that, in fact, your friend won’t get better, you’ll be communicating this non-verbally to the Unconscious (your deepest belief) and you will only reinforce his fear of death.

So learn to be congruent in all situations. You must direct the person’s Unconscious in the direction of your objective, in the direction of what you are aiming for through communication. And it won’t be effective unless you are congruent verbally and non-verbally.

Leadership: Have you trained yourself to “hear” in a different way, so as to enrich your capacity for perception and understanding?

Whether your goal is to get the latest compact disc of your favorite singer or to sell a customer the green plant that will perfectly decorate his interior. Get your life partner to accompany you to the cinema or convince your boss to give you a vacant job; either for an interview for a job or to propose your screenplay project to a producer; whether it’s to turn down the product he wants you to buy or to get an entrepreneur to sign a huge contract… Always remember that the Unconscious is listening and interpreting.

You should train yourself to spot non-verbal cues by watching our politicians on TV. Don’t dwell on the meaning of the words they speak, but look at them. Observe them, transfer your “listening” ability to visual perception. With a little practice, you too will begin to realize – consciously and not just vaguely – that here, at this point in the discussion, there is a lie, a cover-up, an embarrassment. It is indeed very instructive. Without sharpening your attention, your Unconscious would have sensed very well that something was wrong and then this sensation would have been lost, while your Conscious would have registered only the meaning of the words.

You must therefore become receptive to the non-verbal of the other. Not to seek argument, but to understand more deeply and in a complete way, with the aim of being able to better communicate with him and better discern the quality of his message. To learn to communicate beyond the words you speak, so as to enrich your capacity for perception and understanding. Let’s follow these tips, but let’s not forget what Romanian writer Ionel Teodoreanu said: “Feelings never acquire the philosophy of the mind.”

Leadership follows another rule, which should now be obvious: “Good communication depends on the background of what you say, so that you show the esteem you have for your interlocutor, always finding something to value him”.

Learn To Always Be Congruent by pleasing others – this is the greatest vector of authentic power you can have over them. This attitude of recognizing the other applies to all your interlocutors, in all cases, children, adults, life partner, clients, boss, collaborators, groups, friends. Don’t forget this last tip from Erica Guilane-Nachez:

Denigrating the other person, making them look ridiculous, or “sweeping” them under the rug may be goals for some. This, however, will never be communication and is generally the sign of a mediocre settlement of the ego. Only a weak person tries to crush another weaker than him. On the other hand, someone who is truly strong and fulfilled is sure of his strength and confident in his happiness, he has absolutely no psychological need to demonstrate his strength in this way.

A person who is really strong is more likely to bend down to support those who have difficulty standing. Thus, if you have the annoying tendency to put down the other (life partner, child, those close or less close), ask yourself what is not going well inside you and how to improve this situation. But don’t ask yourself why you have problems in human contacts !

We must recognize that the other has the right to respect his ego – or, if not, to keep our distance and not try to communicate with him. if you are looking for help and cooperation, the pleasure of being together, or, more prosaically, proof of good behavior, always remember that the ego in front of you is the key that will open or close the “lock” of the door that leads to your goal.

* Note: Guilane-Nachez, Erica - Chance is on your side, Editura Polirom, 2003